WastingWordsOnLowerCasesAndCapitals.

Last night, i doubled my doseage, i dont know what possessed me to do that, it seemed like a good thing at the time, in actual fact i doubled everything i was taking. i ended up taking 8 pills at once, i felt like throwing up soon after.

i still have my cuts down my leg, they havent gone yet, theyre sore when i lie on them, on my new bed. youd think with everything id have in my life id be happy, but im getting worse. i start to get desperate when i dont have anything sharp in my room, i think its becomming an addiction.

i woke up late yesterday before school, i still got to school on time, just left the house 5 mins late, i managed to stare at myself in the mirror in my bathroom. i blankly stood there looking myself in the eyes, after i moved my fringe from my face. i just felt immense hate to what i saw, so my eyes travelled and i looked at the rest of my face, and at the top half of my body, i hated it, so i walked away, i do this often, i look at myself in utter disgust not because im vein... i dont actually know why i do it i just do.

i went to school listening to Brand New, im listening to them at the moment, it just feels so angry, filled with so much contempt, thats how i feel at the moment.

my day itself was really good, which is the worst thing about my day, it was so fun and happy, and productive at the same time, but at the end of it, nothing mattered, it was wasted on the fact i still felt awful at the end of it so my happiness was wasted in a way.

i came home at 4:15 which is early for me, usually i get home at 4:45, so i went into my room, and sat on the edge of my bed looking for things i cant even find anymore, all bladed objects have "vanished" and i cant find any of my art things, so i just lay on my bed, staring at my ceiling for around ten minutes. i find i sit around a lot these days wasting my time thinking blankly just to past time.

after this i decided, to grab my guitar, and turned it up very loud and just played two songs over and over. two songs that feel so incredibly angsty as if the songwriters are empathetic and know exactly how i feel and what i want to here.

i played Face Down - The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
and The Feel Good Drag - Anberlin

i managed to go to my friends house yesterday evening.
where i grew fustrated easily about stupid things that im not proud to admit. like simple talking in films, which is also incredibly hypocritical of me as i do that myself. but im in two minds all the time like im arguing with myself all the time every simple decision like im being taken over by a bitter and angry teenager who is fed up of the life he's been handed. the substandard shit he lives everyday.

i seek for more every day but things dont ever change.

this is why i took the pills, this is why ill take more, this is why ill cut myself again, this is why my chest is so tight, and im suffocating every minute of everyday where i lie my way through life to just pretend everything is okay. just so when im gone people will notice. because i couldnt live with the sympathy and treatment whilst im alive.

"I am alone
In my defeat I wish I knew you were safely at home"

Danielx