ControllingMyFeelingsForTooLong part2

This is the blog i wanted to write but i didnt think i could.

im soggy, i had a shower 30 minutes ago,
as i stood there naked as my shower warmed up, i thought id check my leg, i havent seen the state of it since i severly cut it the last time i did it.

i have a scar around 2-3 inches across the top of my thigh, its clearly visible. if you were to ask if i regret it, i dont, my body is tainted anyway, tainted with the mammoth scars on my forearm. theyre hideous, i hate them, i still remember when i did it, i still get flashbacks even now of the sharp burning pain and erruption of emotion as i broke it. i get it when i least expect it.
as strange as it sounds, i want to ruin my body. psychologically, that want is a cause for concern, i should tell my councillors whenever im assessed, but i dont, they ask me if i abuse myself, drugs or alcohol, i have the intent to abuse two out of those three and in a way i want to stop, but i dont think i can, they make me feel like im in control, my life never pans out the way i want, i feel emotions i dont want to, i get hung up when i feel alone,

i wish too much that people would like me for who i am, and i never seem to see they do,
no one sees me as me, no one sees me as the way i see myself, everyone sees me as more, or less. people say nice things but never follow it up.

it seems that i struggle just to get people to willingly talk to me, this is why i turned my phone off, so i dont get the usual disappointment of not finding messages. this is why ive avoiding technology, so i cant assess myself and the failure i am through the lack of contact people want with me.

right now, i feel alone, i feel like things wont get better,
things are now getting so bad, that the fact i actually had a good day wont change the way i feel anymore

i feel like im a disfunctional car, first of all one thing fails, it gets fixed, and slowly more and more things breakdown, until eventually its not worth the time and money and is scrapped. i feel like i should be scrapped.

i think i might overdose slightly tonight, i dont want to die, i just want to numb the pain
i want damage myself some more and punish myself, i want to be in control of something i want to feel worth for a change, i feel so alone and this way i can cope. im going to scar myself again, i was going to, but my parents have an idea i might, and removed all sharp things from my temporary room, and i cant.

i collapsed yesterday when i knew i couldnt.
i just want to feel again
i want to be me
before you give up.
before youve had enough of me and this life i have.