PoetsAreJustKidsWhoDidntMakeIt

I was reading The Bloody Chamber, its one of my favourite books, its a mock gothic book, the romantic language and imagery is perfection.

its a shame i lost my copy, i would read right now.
which is an odd thing for me to do.

i want to seek solace in something, engrose myself.
i have so much energy with no where to go.
i have so much to say but to few people to speak to.

im alone right now.
i feel dreadful i admit. im a stone throws away from ripping my leg to shreds with my scissors i found. i want help but it isnt here. i dont expect you to, i just hoped you would.

It is art that makes life, makes interest, makes importance... and I know of no substitute whatever for the force and beauty of its process. - Henry James


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i wrote a long blog earlier, telling you all about my day, every intrinsic detail, but it didnt properly represent the way i feel. i guess i could tell you exactly how i feel.

i could tell you i feel dreadful and be cryptic. but id prefer to say; that im feeling sick, sick in my stomach from the groaning and ill feeling towards myself, i feel heavy, my heart drags behind me because the person i love is so distant right now. more so than normal and i crave her attention just for once, just for a change. is that so wrong? just wanting closeness at a time where im at my worst? my ribs feel like a cage, trapping my lungs where the air is sour with every breath. with every inhale is a deeply burrowed hatred and anxiety that create a downward spiral with one another. my head is a whirlwind of sensibility and insanity, of hatred and love, of radical, incoherant absurdity and extreme want.

i just right this second, as i write this want to feel loved and not isolated from everyone. right now i want to feel significant. can you make me feel that?

i dont think im going to school tomorrow.
i want to draw, like henry moore drew the people in the underground during the second world war. i want to sleep and recover. and i want to talk to you, if you'll let me... please? i need this.

im going to lie on my bed, in my pajamas, and listen to some music. i alphabatised it all earlier, thats how stupid my anxiety has gotten. it has transpired into ocd in a small scale. how could anyone love me?



i hope you sleep well.
Danielx