ImWiltingLikeATreeThatWillNeverBreathe

You know, im struggling with life at the moment, coincidently (but it isnt connected with anything) it severly started little under a month ago, around 3 weeks ago maybe? but if i could draw a long term graph ive been progressively been getting worse since June.

i hate my environment right now, i dont have my own sanctuary my own room, im in the office on two mattress' stacked on one another claustrophobically, i have no space of my own.

i want it to snow so badly tomorrow my school is closed,
because i want to spend the day with some friends, because i love the security i get from seeing them, i feel like someone when im not on my own.


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Love is just a burning fire.

...
It takes all your oxygen


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as much as i love my school friends, i dont think i can take them venting at me much more, not right this minute anyway because im feeling emotionally exhausted, i feel drained from this rollercoaster of emotion, i just want to switch off all contact, i might take a sabatical, from computer and my phone. it might make people realise im here, i might feel loved, i dont mean that to send pretentious of like im feeding my ego, but i need to feel better, and i need to do that somehow, im thinking of stopping the computer atleast, i need my phone to know whats going on tomorrow

YouStumbleThroughQuestionsThatYouCouldNeverAnswer..SoGoAndPaintYourTarget.

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I feel like screaming
"I FUCKING EXIST"
but no one would here me.
my parents would, but their love is unconditional.
i take their love for granted but i need more.


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"Let's start this... all over again"


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You get the feeling of sinking.... slowly, but without a chance to ever get back.
When i was 8 i almost drowned at my best friends birthday at a swimming pool, that was one of the scariest experiances of my life. the ability of not being able to breathe, the burning of my lungs as the fear takes over because i cant breathe, the shimmer of light, and the heavy water covering my eyes when i come up gasping for air.

i hate the water, ill go swimming, but that always goes through my mind when im out of my depth.

this is what my life feels like, people, experiances, things, drag me up for that gasping breath, but then somewhere somehow along the line their impact is superficial and not enough, and i sink again left with the stinging pain in my eyes of the chlorine.
i want something to make a difference, but nothing ever seems to try. im open to offers :/