MercurySummerInTheAfternoonIHopeYouComeBackSoon

Im resenting right now,
life at home sucks, its a constant battle of arguing. 12:30am my father was screaming at my brother because he left the back door open and let the heating out. this was quickly followed with my mum totally fed up of everything shouting at both of them.

im lying directly above the shouting, so i didnt fall asleep before 1am.
this isnt a rare occurance
things have never been happy at home, there is always the constant grief and sadness my dad bares upon my family, the stubborness of my brother where he also doesnt care about anyone other than himself, and my recluseness, ive become a hollow shell of who i used to be at home. my parents always thought of me as an optimist who was bubbly and jokey, but now i give as little emotion as a stereotypical teenager, i spend my time here locked in my room playing guitar and drawing to keep away from everyone because im fed up of life here. i didnt want to apply for universities away from home, but ive been driven but the hating feeling of being here that ive decided i want to go. my mother i feel sorry for she's stuck in amongst all this, shes pleasant and she's lovely to me, and we get on, and i regain parts of my personality that ive been drained of by being in this house when im with her, but as soon as anyone else is around i clam up pertrified of everyone's next action. i dont give anyone eye contact, im ashamed of what ive become here, im scared of them, of what theyre like, and whether ill be like them. i dont want to end up bitter, twisted, uneducated and with a considerable lack of empathy and love.

it reminds me heavily of Wuthering Heights. the very beings inside this house have their happiness sucked out of them and wollow in self misery and pity.

my teenage life has revolved around this image ive shown to you, i dont seek sympathy, it just annoys me immensely especially after my parents tried creating a utopia for my brother and i to amend their misfortunate upbringing. i guess history repeats itself.

in a way this scares me of ever having children. i dont want them to grow up in the fear of me and any brothers they have i dont want them to suffer with depression and self harm the way i have, suffer with social anxiety and isolation. i want them to be happy and feel relaxed, but given the way ive turned out i dont think that is very possible.

i have around 8 months left here (hopefully) my room is redecorated, hopefully this will be a fresh start. hopefully i wont grow to hate this room, hopefully i can be happy in this one place, hopefully i can be myself and lock out the world and every hatred expressed in this house. i just want one place to be myself and be happy.