i believe, this is my 100th blog.
i was planning on doing something different for it, but i figured i might aswel keep going the same way i originally set off, questioning my pitiful existance of a life with a series of questions ill never get an answer for whilst telling you about my lacklustre attempt to salvage something out of my last year of school.
paha pessimism you are my achilles heel.
my questions is:
Do you ever think about me?
this isnt directly to anyone, but if you feel like you want to you can respond to it, ill never turn down people's comments to what i write i quite like them, but this is actually a rhetorical question.. thats not to say it isnt directed to anyone, because it is.
today ive been thinking. ive had a lot of time to think ive been queuing at tescos, buying food with my mum, and alone for the other parts of my day, ive had two showers, i always think in the shower,
im listening to the Red Jumpsuit Apparatus.. which probably contains my current apathy pretty well.
i find that whenever i feel similar to i do right now i always end up having notepad open on my computer, typing away songs, how sad is that? on my old laptop i ended up with 50 or so, we used 3 for my band, two of them have demoes recorded, but most of them are spiteful or angsty.
i just wrote another one, im umming and arring about whether to post it or not. because im now garnering an audience, i have 11 people reading this now, and i feel a certain amount of expectation to live up to.
man i feel low. the bad thing is ive already taken my medication today, and i still feel shite. i think the worst thing is, no one actually cares.
sigh. you know when you just want to disappear and never have existed, where you just dont care, and you hate everything, you just want to break something, and cry in a heap on the ground bleeding. yes i feel like that. i feel so awful. but no one cares. i know they dont, ive sat here, im sitting here on msn, no one speaks to me, like no ones contacted me all day, apart from a couple of texts from sophie, god knows how many hours ago. and my father just came in the room. said hello and told me what a mess my room is, why the fuck would you do that?! why cant you just leave me alone, why cant you actually just be a dad once in my fucking life? why cant everyone in my life just be what i need, i know that sounds so selfish, but i need someone, i need anyone, just someone who would care enough just to contact me, just ask me how i am... im tired of chasing other people. im so fucking tired of it. im so tired of life. i want to live in a fairy tale where i can live happily ever after,
im going to do it this time, i am i promise you i will do it.
5 comments:
i do, i think about you when i listen to a song, and remember that you've had a lyric from it as a blog title.. and i hope that you're not feeling quite as bad as you could be feeling..
i know it's just a small reminder that someone cares..x
people do care. i hope your okay :(:( xoxo
Becca: wow, thank you, hmmm tbh ive literally just got in from something that shouldve cheered me up, but if im honest i feel much worse.
but thank you it means a lot that you care.
Ciara: thank you, i might be eventually...
Don't do it! D:
I think I know how you feel, because I sit on msn all day hoping someone will talk to me, and feeling like dying.
But no matter how much I want myself to die, I hate the idea of other people dying.
Kassandra:
hmmm, i stopped but i did do it again. sigh. i feel stupid now. im of the same opinion, i hate seeing other people suffer. :/
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