FollowMeIntoTheDarkness

im bored.
today wasnt bad, i woke up 4 hours late for school... so i didnt go to school, i then drew for about an hour.

i then went to the doctors, to talk about my depression again, i love my doctor, shes so lovely and has tried really hard for me to get me placements for councilling. so today i thought would be no different. i told her about my sleeping patterns and constant anxiety and she was going to put me on some sleeping tablets. i love the way my whole life and happiness revolves around tablets, acne tablets, anti-depressants, and now sleeping tablets, but eventually she told me that i wasnt actually allowed to go on them becuase im only 17, (im 18 in a month!) but she then told me that it has been thought that they can cause dementia and memory loss, so in a way im glad im not put on them.

i then came home after stopping at the shop to get giant chocolate buttons to help my serotonin levels rise (makes you feel happier) and then visited my elderly neighbour whose husband just died. my mum and i spent some time with her. and this made me realise that i hate the idea of being alone, i think i crave affection and just like to know that someone somewhere cares about me, ive realised these past couple of days too that im quite a needy person, although this does fluctuate depending on my level of depression, right now im content, i obviously miss the person i care about but as we speak im not worried im worthless and that theyre wasting their time with me. but i do experiance that and then i admit to feeling this and then worry about what they think of it and whether im just weird, basically a vicious circle of negative emotion.

i think that in many ways im too emotional, and i wish i could be more secure and not worry so much about everything all the time, i wish i could be normal, and just enjoy life for what it is. i try and do that, and i admit as my life progresses i do more now, as i get older i appreciate the smaller things in life that is taken for granted...

this is what led me to two things...
first of all im asking for this for my 18th birthday














what do you think? my parents agreed to get me it for my birthday, i feel that ill be able to take pictures of everything in life that makes me smile everything that in some degree just makes me think, something i can immortalise. something thatll make me stop even if its just for a second, some images have the power to do that, and i want to take as many as i can.

and i think i mentioned the other idea on a blog already where i track my everyday life in photograph.

anyway im excited about this present, more so than christmas.
i dont feel christmassy yet, we have no decorations up yet. we dont till a couple days before christmas because my dad likes his birthday cards up for a week in our living room, and he doesnt want the christmas decorations up at the same time.

ive just got a block,
ill write again later.
i hope youre okay
Danielx