OhThereMustBeAnEasierWayOhThereMustBeAnEasierWay

You know you get that good mood, like everything is going well, and then at the same time, you realise youve only plastered over the cracks.. i have that.

i feel that things in a way are getting better, ive met this wonderful and perfect person who lightens up my day, its coming up to christmas and my 18th , im sort of back at school, its party season (Y), and theres nothing materialistic in life i want (other than insurance for a car) and nothing i can do to make things any better but i still dont feel great.

i think this was because i went to a funeral today, it helped put things in perspective, it helped me realise that... i mean nothing. what have i achieved in my life, what have i done to help the grand scheme of things, ive made a negative impact on too many peoples lives, and i dont make a positive enough one on the people i still have, i just plod along in existance waiting for the next good oppurtunity for me to fuck up.

then ill get depressed and start all over again, its this very reason i feel low.
i mean nothing, sure people may say i do to them, but i dont, if i wasnt here this time next year id be a distant memory, i havent made a significant impact like people who've died and funerals ive been to... my grandad died when i was around 6, i cant remember exactly, but there hasnt been a day in my recollection where i havent thought about him, ive spent more of my life without him than with him yet he's had that impact on me, ralph, whose funeral i went to today, was like a grandparent to me, he was my brothers godfather too, and since he died nearly two weeks ago ive thought of him everyday.

i guess i sound incredibly selfish, but im not intending to, im not saying if i died that id want people to think about me everyday, id never ask that, im just saying that ive never made an impact in someones a significant impact.

those thoughts came back today. you know the ones which cause people to worry, the wanting to hurt myself, i dont know why im telling you this, i guess because im more honest here than i can be directly speaking to someone...

overall today wasnt a fantastic day.
i hope yours was better
Danielx