WeAreBroken

i remembered, when i started getting depressed i made myself a promise, that i remembered every single time i was down, eventually it faded, over the 3 years i didnt remember it.

3 years is a long time, 15 to 18, im a totally different person, how could i make a promise for a person i didnt know i was going to be. the way i think is different, what ive done to myself has changed. what i want in life is different. but this didnt change. i always said to myself as ridiculous as it sounds, if i didnt get better by 18th birthday id end it. just everything, without a second thought.

i watched last night's skins today, there is a scene where emily stands at the top of a building when she finds out naomi cheated on her, with a girl who'd OD'd because she couldnt have naomi, Emily discovered this with Sophia (the girl who OD'd)'s boyfriend. you see emily's face then the ground 5/6 maybe even 7 stories below her, and at that very second i imagined myself there, i zoned out the same way i do when i see needles, i have a highly irrational fear of needles, they make my heartbeat beat hard and fast, my lungs collapse inside of me and everything doesnt matter for a minute, because im scared. i had that when emily was on top of that building, i imagined the cold air against my face, the trembling id have in my fingers, and the sickness in my stomach. my eyes then watered, they couldnt cry, because i cant do anything right at the moment, but this just striked me so hard like running into a wall.. she finally went to say "it could all be over in a second" and it could, and i wish for me it was, i wish this was all gone, i might not have walked away if i was in her position, i dont know what id do, im a coward, but this pain i feel i just cant shake i just cant get rid of it.

We are Broken, My Heart by Paramore its what ive been listening to.

in the process of my self loathe, ive upset the only person who cares, and this just fuels my self hatred, and thats all i seem to be able to do, everything becomes a numbers game, how many times ive hurt you, how much i hurt you, signs patterns, just to prove what a failure i am, she said youve upset me twice in 2 months but made me happy thousands of times, yes that may be true, but twice in 3 weeks.

i hate myself for hurting you.

my back is hurting, and my legs and involuntarily shaking with anxiety, my eyes are crying, and all i want to do is cut myself, i cant tell you in text, but please read this, i want to, im sorry i think i will. i need to, because i havent got anything else to make myself feel better.

Daniel