Im sitting here, in my common room, im meant to be writing an essay, but i really cant.
my world has just stopped, and everything has lost meaning, i shouldnt define success by the person im with, but how else can i measure my pitiful life when it has no other meaning.
Today is just one big facade. im pretending to be okay, when in actual fact im not. i came in today in the vain attempt that i might do some work, because im scared to be at home. i stood in front of my full length mirror last night, it was dark, i saw an outline of a person, and thats exactly how i feel, there is nothing left on the inside.
im scared to love now, i dont want to ever feel like this again, i dont want to feel anything. i scared too many people yesterday, i paniced and told people when i overdosed, i wasnt scared of dieing, i was scared of the fact id just disappear off the face of the earth to them without their knowledge of what happened.
im here in school to retain some normality in my life, that look in the mirror hit me hard, i then looked at my leg, ive run out of space to cut myself without going over scars.
Im slowly working on closing everybody out, i dont want to do this to them, no one deserves this. im not bitter for you giving up, i totally expected it, but it just hit me hard, but so i cant do it to my friends, im going to close you all out. i cant do this, i cant face life anymore, i cant face being a responcibility, something that people have to look after.
Kass, Gaby, Daryl, i know you care, but i cant. i cant do that to you, look what i did to my own girlfriend, i drove her away, i suffocated her.
i want to go away for a while... and maybe come back someday, but i doubt it will, i want to start my life again, reincarnated as something that cant feel complex emotions i have.
my councilling service forgot me.
i cant believe this.
i cant.
im saying that a lot lately. i cant do things, i cant be a person that is happy.
i type this and in the room are 3 other people, this room sits about 50.
the newest person is a guy, hes an arsehole, he bases his judgements on people by the way they look, if he considers them worthy of his time you should feel honoured, i sat next to him in english in year 9 for a term. i didnt like him, he constantly scoffed at the guy who became my best friend, i guess thats why i started talking to max, to make my own decision on him.
this guy who just entered, his name is Jason... he's happy, he has no worries in his life, i hear him boasting and humiliating other people, he's got a girlfriend, a friend of mine charlotte. why do people like this get happiness.
im by no means the greatest person in the world, nowhere near, i dont think im great at all, i know im not, but i know im better than him, im nicer than him atleast, hes horrible, but why cant i be happy.
i have my mp3 player playing,
a playlist i made last night
im listening to Great Romances Of The 20th Century by Taking Back Sunday
it has a nihilist spin to it, questioning the point to something, im questioning much at the moment.
im going to listen to meteora by linkin park next, i fell asleep listening to it.
i chose it to relate, so i didnt feel alone, because no matter how much people tell they are there i cant believe it, because People ALWAYS Leave.
Hit The Floor, Easier To Run, Breaking The Habit, From The Inside, Numb.
i started listening to linkin park, the summer i had no friends, where i sat at home every day all summer, and did nothing, spoke to no one, because i had no friends, it was horrible.
i guess im regressing into that state through my own choice and i dont want this anymore.
thats why i took all those pills, because everybody that (did [if that applies to you])cares lives too far away, and i just cant take my life anymore.
Im going to Lisa's later, she invited me around to try and cheer me up, we're going to have chocolate, i just cant bare being on my own right now, i hate it, i hate it so much, i hate being around my family, when my father was horrible to me, we're going to watch my favourite film, and eat chocolate and ice cream.
i just want to cry right now, i just want to cry so much, i dont know what to do, how to get better, how to just be NORMAL.
why cant i just be like everyone else.
how can anybody love this.
Daniel
5 comments:
It's the greatest people that have it the hardest. I have learned that. And it's the shallow souls of the world that seem to just...glide through life. But they have no value. They are nothing, despite how they can decieve people to believe otherwise. It's the people that love...that live, who have the rough path, but they are also the ones who actually make something of themselves. And learn from every bad thing. It allows them, after the pain, to be able to take anything the world throws at them. It all pays off in the end. As much as I know you won't believe me, I know what Im saying. I know the world. I study it and it's inhabitants everyday with my open eyes. Salvation will come when you least expect it, and bring with it a beautiful, magnificent world. Just learn to hope. That is the key. I've got faith in you. And so do your friends. Don't push them away.. Distance is nothing in the world. Love doesn't take but a second to travel from one place on the map, to the complete other side. Don't doubt it. It's a miracle. A miracle that you may not realize yet, but you will in time. I'm sure of it..
And don't fear hurting your friends. Nothing will hurt them more than losing you.
How do you know this Jason guy doesn't have problems? People are so consumed with themselves, we don't realise that as much as we want somebody to look at us properly, other people are wishing the exact same thing.
You can only save yourself. And you can save yourself. I don't even know you and I know you can save yourself. Everybody can, it's just a case of who will. I know you will. And if you truly believe you can't save yourself, then save your friends. Stay alive for your friends. Your friends can save your soul, and then you can save yourself.
firstly, who are you?
secondly, i guess i should say thank you. you put time into responding, so thank you.
i doubt it would make much difference.
i dont know, but if he does he copes better.
i dont know if i can save myself. i really dont anymore.
I'm just another human. And I only left the first two comments. Not sure who the other person is, haha.
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