TheLookOnYourFaceCouldLightUpARoom

i have 40 or so minutes until i go out, im listening to Augustana - Boston, i love the intro, it's one of my favourites of all time i must say.

i have things playing on my mind, today was trying to be a bad day, i could sense it, i had a semi anxiety attack in biology, the first one in quite a while, it was awkward more than it was unbearable. learning about different types of muscles and trying to control my intercostals was kind of ironic. it got easier though.

my day was slow, and monotonous, i just want this school year to be finished, i want to go to university, which in turn is another thing on my mind, because i got my confirmation letter for an offer, but im worried i wont meet the grades for Reading, i really want this more than anything right now, but my life has a habit of taking things i want and destorying them in front of my face.

that may sound pessimistic but it's true, i know it, and i know my life is my control, but all too often my life seems spiraling out of my grasp and having a mind of it's own.

another thing with today, is that the only two people in my house are myself and my father, he's diminished our relationship to such a little level, i smile and agree with everything he says just so i can get away, this isnt the overreactive "i hate him" that stereotypical teenagers say, because i dont hate him. well i atleast dont think i do. but there is nothing there between us, he's made sure that he's removed that, which is another reason i want Reading so badly, he even managed to put a negative spin on that when i told him about it, he always does that, THATS WHAT I HATE, the way he ruins everything for me. like Brighton too.

i have a large feeling inside of me of contempt, towards a lot of people right now, i want to just scream and shout and run away from everything but instead i smile and pretend everything is okay everyday, the only time i ever tell people anything is wrong is on here, because i dont feel like i can talk to anyone.

it's friday tomorrow, i have a party to go to, and i dont have double biology 5/6 tomorrow, which means i can go home after lunch, with rachel chris and lisa.

i learnt something when i was walking with lisa this afternoon, we were talking about religion casually. religion fascinates me, because im apathetic of it all, im agnostic probably atheist, but their is a deal of stigma with that word, and in actual fact i dont know what i believe. so i consider myself agnostic.

anyway, when i was little i was brought up with a catholic upbringing, i was baptised and i had my first holy communion, i own a saint christopher and a communion ring, which i still wear to this day, (purely for sentimental value only now)... but when i became old enough, i resented religion, i resented the way it was enforced upon me, and the way i never had a choice and wasnt allowed to question something that technically doesnt exist (i mean that in a sense that it isnt of a physical sense)

i hated the way that everything i was taught at school had religious values to it, the way i HAD to pray and the way there were posters and bibles all around the school. the reason why i hated it was because i dont think this is an appropriate place for a child to be raised, as we speak, i dont have a problem against religion, i never will other than fundamentalist extremism but children of an impressionable age shouldnt be taught this as the truth and the only possible truth with no possibility of anything else.

the reason for my agnosticism is because of the upbringing i had and the inability for myself to not be able to choose my own way.

this has been playing on my mind this evening, its interesting. i feel i need to reitterate though, i dont have a problem with religion, i quite like the idea of bettering yourself because of it, but i cant stand it being forced upon people and that includes atheism too.

i might blog later, but skins is on, so dont hold your breath.
Danielx