AllIveGotIsWhatYouDidntTake

i feel cheated, like i never got what what is the packet?
im listening to music that is filled with such apathy and angst, and it charges me, it errupts my insides like a volcano...

gaby suggested going into the middle of no where and screaming, and i might do that, i feel angry more than anything else right now, not fuming, just angry.

i played guitar earlier, i played it until my fingers went cold and hurt, until the skin started peeling
i played for quite a few hours, constantly switching between guitars in different tunings, just so i could keep playing..

athletes run and run and just get through that wall and can just keep going. i was like that i think, i just wanted to keep playing and keep playing, my strings, if they werent inanimate would probably scream, i was hitting them so hard.

i remember the one time i ever threw my guitar, it was in a similar situation. and i wasnt playing with a pick, i played with my index and thumb in a similar position, and id played so hard i ripped through the plaster and the scab and i started bleeding down my strings, i then got so fed up i just took the strap of and flung my guitar downwards.

i cant remember why i did that.

i can control my anger more, my anger is enduced by anxiety, and i manage to either stockpile it or blow it off some other way, im not an angry person, but i just kinda emotional.

ive had a considerable amount of emotion building for a couple of weeks inside of me, thats why everything ive done lately negative has been done, its just my inability to cope i suppose.

~

im sitting here, with a foot pressing down on another, my laptop on my lap, and im sitting on the side of my bed, my fringe (which is shorter as of today) going in both of my eyes, i have my blind in my bedroom half open eventhough its dark because i feel locked in otherwise, and i have my dimmer on halfway.

i have in pieces by linkin park playing and everything seems quiet. just like everything is asleep although theyre inanimate.