Smile

i dont know what to say right now,
ironic seeing as im typing this.

i hate the way people become speechless, how people have emotion sometimes (negative emotion) i hate thoughts, i hate depression, sometimes i just hate life.

but on the flip side there are things i love in life, or get a buzz from, the feeling of happiness, ive recently discovered having butterflies in the pit of my stomach, that weight in your chest when you miss someone,

but is it fair to try and think; "Yeah, ill be okay, this happiness will overide the negative things in my life" is it fair to put that much pressure on the happiness to actually make yourself feel better.

i guess to some extent i want to be content, i want something more than myself, i want, what everyone else has. or what i see everyone else to have, i want the simplistic life, with the mediocre upbringing, the happiness, the drive, just everything that every person says they'll bring into their child's life when they have children.

its selfish of me to think that what i have isnt good enough, and want better, but i desperately want to be okay, i want to smile all the time, not just when she makes me smile, i want to feel like i can smile, i want to not be ashamed.

i want things for once to work.. and carry on working, obviously with effort, but instead of what i have, i have too many mistakes for my age, i have too many regrets, and i try and learn from them, but i feel like a continuous mistake just one day at a time, and its starting to get tedious.

the sad thing is, this isnt whats actually on my mind, i dont know what is, im feeling really low, like... really low. and none of that is the problem.

sigh.

Daniel