dontyouwantasongofglory? W E L L I L L F U C K I N G S C R E A M A T Y O U ! ! !

I sincerely apologise.
First of all,
i havent been on here, the past two days, my time has been consumed otherwise
*Grins largely*

Erhem.
*clears throat*

i will read the blogs ive subscribed to tomorrow, and probably write again.
Tomorrow is freedom. my room, is my sanctuary, but my hell, i live in this room, it is me,
the way it isnt decorated the way i want it to be resembles me as a person, i feel, the miss match of ideas of things in my room, the mismatch of passionate red and bland white, the mismatch of ideas for things in my room, from my guitar, to toy cars, a patchwork quilt, i love this quilt.

But within this room are bad memories, emotional breakdowns, bullying has taken place in here, arguements, self harm.

This room is me, it is everything that is me, i look around, in the darkness with the wind blowing as i have one headphone in one ear listening to nothing, i cant decide whether i hate it here or love it here.

Does that mean that im unsure about how i feel about myself? am i unsure as to whether i hate myself or love myself.

Ayesha Chaudary. (says in head)
Ayesha Chaudary.... (repeats)
Aiiiiii-eeee-sha Chowww-Darrr-eeee (phonetically)

i dont even know exactly who this is, she's a psychologist, she thinks im a severe threat to myself, she is the one who telephone assessed me 3 weeks ago.. or however long it was.
she... ummm, said something with me that ive thought about every day since.. well since she phoned me.

"You can't love someone if you don't love yourself" [notice i used apostraphies as i quoted someone ^^]

I RESENT her, for that one comment, my chest fills up, with a sour disgust constricting my intercostal muscles [between rib muscles] gripping my lungs like claws, suffocating. almost like my anxiety attacks.

i refuse to believe that statement.
not that currently i love someone,

just i totally appose it.
technically i love my family on an unconditional level. and in the past i have loved. but not loved myself.

I say this as im developing feelings... "For whom?"
...
I Dare Say.

i'll Jinx it.
:-#


But it's glorious isnt it? Elation, Jubilation, Masturbation [joke, i put that in there to grab your attention ^^]

It's like a drug, you long for the next contact, and the more you have it the more you need it, it's infectious, you spread the news to everyone you know, whether they care or not, hense this, why do you care? do you care? who are you? do i know you? retorical questions of course, but my life doesnt matter to you, if i stopped this right now.....













...what would you do?













You know more about me, and the way i work, from my blog (this is my 41st) than
- i know about you
- than you know about the way king henry the VIII thought.

so why do you care about the way i feel?
why do you care about my cheeking grin as i know exactly who you are as your reading this.
i know everybody who reads this.
does this change what i want to say?
Not At All.... I Started this blog, to be open, if you read this, then you obviously are interested in the way i think, what i do, yada yada yada. which means a lot.

Today, im happy, today technically is only 3hours and 24 minutes old, but i havent gone to sleep yet, today is yesterday, today was good, today i had my first phone significant phone call since i went to hospital, and it went well, im proud of myself, and im thankful to Sophie, for making it so lovely =]

Today will be good, today is now Friday, today as in tomorrow, tomorrow after i sleep, tomorrow is my day of freedom, out of my room which has locked me in, out of my room that i love to hate, and love to love. i'm going to get drunk... with Max Max n Tom.

For the first time in.... a month?
wish me luck (Y)

I Hope Youre Okay, i sincerely mean that everytime i say it.
Danielx.