YouWereTheCancerInMyLife.

i think i might disappear for a while.
it sounds fun,
just a break, some me time to gather my thoughts, and do something productive.
i have things coming up to keep me busy.

im sitting here.
thinking of lists, lists keep me occupied,
when i was little my mum thought i had ocd, i had to order everything perfectly, i didnt have many (well any) friends, so i used to talk to my tons of teddies, and they all used to be aligned perfectly against my wall on my bed, in a specific order in which i preferred the most. etc. of course the order would change, but they had to stay in that order.
i gave them human names, not like mr snuggles, or shit like that, i gave them names like Liam or Emma, just normal person names, because to me they were the closest things to companions i have now.
it might explain why i have relationship problems (i mean that in a sense of people in general, not like love etc).

anyway, i digress.
im writing lists, they keep me motivated, they give me things to aspire to, like checkpoints in a race, something ive completed to make myself proud of myself, because i need to get the smallest enjoyments i possibly can, thats something my councillor before last said to me... one of the few useful things he said. i dont get on well with male councillors, i dont get on well with guys if im honest, i find them, belittling towards me.

so right now, im writing two lists.
im writing one for the things i need to do, and today i did quite a bit, i did art sketchbook, art essay, poster for yearbook commitee (total mind blank on how to spell that word), card for my grandad, he's 75 today, doesnt act it, he's more mobile than me. do my biology homework, and just do some writing.

im writing quite a bit, just simple things, a sentence here and there about what i feel, rhyming couplets, i have shakespeare on the brain these days, macbeth is no further than a few feet away from me at any one time. its really starting to grow on me.

i have my mp3 player constantly on me at the moment too, im listening to a lot of Thursday and My Chemical Romance, theyre inspiring me, i've written music and lyrics down, i need to piece them together, it wont be anything espeical, but itll keep me off the computer, and doing something constructive.

my hot chocolate has reached a drinkable temperature *small smile*

my other list, is upcoming events,
although pricey, i found £40 today, which made me smile. and for my foreign readers thats $60 US, $62 CAN, and 44euro :)
on top of my £80 already, this money has to last me until august though, which i think i can do.
im only going paintballing and thorpe park :P
and 7 parties :O i feel like a socialite.

im going out all weekend this weekend, im going to my friends max and tom's friday night. we're going out apparently. manor has some "good dj", i dont believe it, but £4 entry isnt thatttttt bad. and on saturday, im hopefully going out with jess, jess, matt, sophie etc. to Tap n' Tin. which is only £5 entry. so hey everything seems to be going okay.

if im honest, life isnt that bad i guess right now, i feel like there isnt anything i should complain about, although right now, im generally lower than ive been, (i had my worst day in months sunday) im coping better. (for a while atleast) im just getting quieter and spending more time on my own,but i hope things will get better, eventually ill get councilling, maybe before i go to university might help :)

i ending this now, i just had half my family remind me its 00:15am and i have to be up in 6 1/2 hours.
so goodnight
x