Neuroticism

I worry myself sometimes.
I'm live my life pretty much trying to block any negative emotion.
and try and smile my way through life i guess?

i watched this programme this evening about "America's medicated children"
and it basically inforced a thought in my head about how emotionally inept i am.
I dont experiance extremes of emotions. i've realised this before but i then forget about it.
it's as if something has my personality on a lead and every time i stray away from what my medication wants it tugs at the chain as if im a disobedient dog...

Resurgances of emotion errupt every now and again and this is characterised in different ways, i could start frantically drawing depressing images, photograph images of decay, death or destruction i could write things which scare myself in weeks to come... or i listen to music which make me feel angry. and contrary to the way i'm writing this, im angry. not at anyone or anything. more at myself. im not far away from throwing a chair through a window but on the outside i look calm and at ease. arent those characteristics of being neurotic? im not sure.

On a further note. my life is crippling in the centre. i have too much going on in my safety bubble that isnt working right. i have friends ignoring me and another friend due to new interests, and the abandonement seriously depreciates my own self worth and on top of that i then have said friend bitched about by others, which then creates a downward spiral of uncertainty which annoys me profusely.

I had my inability to feel extremes of emotion. it seriously Fucks me off.