October 24th 2009

I'm sitting here, on my bed, in my room composed of red and white painted wallpaper, with my tv on mute, showing the same rubbish it always shows, god i hate freeview. i lay on my bed, i need a headrest... hmmm. i have my dimmer light down low and my feet are cold, the sound in my room is of Fightstar playing Build an Army... this creating the perfect scenery for this i guess. for writing to the world whats on my mind, about my day or whatever i want to say.

i always get to a point where everything i want to say gets jammed at once and cant write anything more than dribble which is no better than a 6 year old child.

today was different to most...
i suffer from depression and anxiety and that has made me spend a lot of time off school since the summer holidays, and to overcome the anxiety and loneliness that would happen because i broke up with my only support system a week after i had to be hospitalised was the fact i went to see my friends.

my ex girlfriend, Emma, has gone on to forget about me, gone on to talk to my ex best friend who i lost because of her, and is enjoying her life as if i never existed, this hurts the most, especially after her proclaimation that im evil and horrible... and this wouldnt be a problem if my previous ex girlfriend didnt say similar. my friends disagree with this, which is plausible seeing as both my ex girlfriends are similar in mentality but its thrown all my self esteem out of the window.

anyway...

seeing my friends has been a relief which as of yesterday was shattered by my father. he managed to question how can i not go to school but see my friends, and induced my anxiety when he said people would talk about me if they knew.... his sympathy for me has run out i guess, its nice to know im really worth the effort of people who love me, firstly my girlfriend, then my father...

so going to my friends now has been severly tainted by my dads reckless comments and i now feel stuck in a position of limbo unable to move forward, and pretty alone, trapped in between feelings, and i hate it i hate the way my life is panning out and it doesnt seem worth anything anymore. i in a way want things to work my way for once, where i dont have to over analyse things just like in the movies..