Most days i spend being scared.
Scared of a lot of things.
Not quite phobias, but i'm still scared;
I always think nothing ever bothers me, but in reality everything bothers me, everything isn't what i expect. The world is much different and horrible than i ever imagined.
I'm scared what to put on this blog, i'm scared because of who will see it,
and if i'll be judged, because i want this to be private apart from the people who follow it, because in reality i've never met them, so i don't have to deal with their judging looks everyday like say my home friends, uni friends, or even my parents.
I looked back on my earlier blogs, i was free-er because i didnt have to worry about being judged i could write what i liked, now i feel constrained.
~
At university it's much the same, you develop yourself as a person, which really means, you develop yourself as a person that you want people to see/accept.
Because you've never met these people before you want them to like you, you dont want to be the loner, or the second year living in halls/people you dont know.
And with that i made someone who doesnt sit right with me.
I just want to be myself, but i've never really liked myself.
I've had more down days in this last fortnight than i had in the previous 3 months. which is pretty scarey thought.
I'm homesick, but i don't want to go home.
I feel like a refugee.
3 comments:
First off I would like to say I absolutely adore this post.
Second, this is exactly how I feel in almost every way. It's scary to have people you know read your blogs. But I know that although it's scary and hard to keep going because of that fear the best thing to do is try and work past it. I just keep most of my blogs drafted. I'm not saying that's the way to go but it's how I deal with that. People's reactions to blogs is out of our control. Knowledge can be scary when you don't know how it will affect people. Words are powerful...
It's incredible how blogging has changed for me over the years, apparently you feel the same way. Sometimes the word incredible doesn't have a positive denotation. =/
It's interesting to hear your take on college. I love how poetically you put it. I feel the same way about the people I spend time with in high school, and I know exactly how you feel. I have never liked the person I am/was and I don't like who I keep forcing myself to be to please others, as well.
It seems like the more time we spend the more everything needs such a delicate balance. It's no wonder we all fear the world so much.
<3
I feel as though I've been absent from the blogging world recently. I apologize, I hope your doing well =)
-Cass
you dont need to apologise! thank you for this, it made me smile, in a strange way that i'm not the only one feeling this. we should have a chat soon i think :) if you're ever feeling crappy too, you know where i am :)
xxx
Thanks. I appreciate it =D
xxx
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