Struggle.

God only knows why I come back to writing every time.

I was chatting earlier to a dear friend about what was actually wrong with me,
and it's hard, and I felt like I didn't have a justifiable reason?
It's just you know when every aspect of your life that grounds you, that aside from the working, studying and menial day to day things you HAVE to do to get by, the stuff you're meant to look forward to and appreciate.. at the moment I'm struggling to see how I can appreciate them, like both houses I live in are at times.. tumultuous. Home more so than uni, home I don't think will ever be home again. There is just years of negative attachment, tip-toeing, misery and struggle there. Like I just don't associate it as a happy place anymore. I don't want anyone to feel bad for me for that sense, just, I don't belong..

I've been struggling within myself and self esteem lately too. Struggling with who I am, who I want to be, my coping mechanisms, in a way aren't healthy, Siobhan wasn't too happy, and the only other person I told, the next day told me to get my 'slit-wristed hands off her'

I hate trying to understand people, I feel constantly like that is what I'm trying to do, to try and make sure everyone is okay. Siobhan said I need to have fun, do something I want, and to fuck anybody who has a problem with that, but when you're 21 and have a sense of responsibility, it's a struggle to try and manage that.