Thinking.

It's been a while since I've properly written hasn't it?

So much changes in a short period these days. I've been home for 6 weeks. Home is heavy, but I don't mind it that way, I'm used to it, I'm glad to be home. This summer I've experienced so much change, I've moved house, talked to people I don't normally go to saw my cousin be the first one to get married out of all of us. I've also grown up so much lately, I've felt this especially today. It is A Level results day, 2 years ago I was in this position.

People change so much so quickly, it's so hard to hone in and realise but I always retrospectively notice. I Skyped someone I hadn't spoken to face-to-face in a long time the other day. I loved it, but I couldn't help but notice how quickly we both change. We hadn't changed in a way we now don't like each other, but instead just small things here and there, thing you do, interests, hobbies, it's hard to stay on track all the time when people are far away no matter how much you want to. These little changes always make me conscious of my behaviour during moments of retrospect, especially through long conversations. I have thoughts to myself like, 'am I still the person they know?', 'is this right?' and 'that was stupid, I look like an arsehole'. I care about what people think. People say you shouldn't, but everyone does, they're lying if they say otherwise, they probably just have a better way of handling with it than I do.

I find thinking about other people happens frequently in my head. I get quite personal in my mind about what I think about people. Some people, especially in blogs I read, try a facade of nonchalance, using condescending language towards the reader as if they're entirely ignorant to any specific emotion/hobby/experience in life that they have (that sentence was intentionally ironic). I find a lot of people self-diagnose and label themselves with different life/medical problems and are genuinely proud of these problems because it makes them unique (Obviously I have every hour of my day to help any body I can who genuinely experiences any problem). However, I find as I've reached my 20s especially that even if I go out somewhere that is out of the ordinary I'll try and squeeze every piece of enjoyment out of it, I'll try and make records of every thing I do to try and achieve what can be considered the most ordinary and normal existence of someone my age. I could mope, especially whilst being at home, of all the travesties in the world we live in, or the problems in my life, but EVERYONE has problems. Surely it'll be more productive to try and rationalise and move forward instead of trying to attain a weird regard from anonymous readers and voyeurs of a self diagnostic, autobiographical, boring piece of self loathing piss? I'm not really aiming this at anyone specifically, therefore the language and structure could be vastly improved. I'm thinking out loud, I think a lot because, thinking is something that is free, I have to try and make sense of everything funny in the world.