Elsie

I just watched the final episode of One Tree Hill. I've watched it longer than I've had this blog. It's easy these days for people to say 'Yeah I liked it before everyone else did' or 'I liked it since the beginning', if I said that, I'd be lying, I've watched it for about 5 years. I've watched it for for a considerable chunk of my teenage life. It makes me feel similar to after I watched Toy Story 3. I watched the first one in the cinema aged 4 and then watched the last one on DVD aged 18, it made my childhood feel like it was finally over. One Tree Hill is like my teenage life is over. I started watching it when I had a lot of time off school, through depression. I wanted to watch something to take up the time as I lay in bed on my laptop doing nothing. It all ended in a similar way to it started, late night on my own in my room on my bed.

I feel scared to grow up, I have done a lot lately, considering most of my housemates at uni are now half way through uni, it makes me wonder what I'm doing with my life.

I feel like I should be laying the seeds for my life, diving headfirst into the things in life that I want, hobby and career wise, but yet I feel like I'm not being proactive enough, but at the same time I'm scared of heading too much into one direction without being sure that it's what I want. I feel at times like Zack Braff's character in The Garden State. I just want to know it'll be okay.

Frankly, things these days still aren't okay really. Everyday is a struggle to avoid the recessive depressive attitude I'm finally getting away from, which is really difficult when your father is nearly housebound with a much more severe case, whilst being away from people like me at uni and being at home. Furthermore two of my best friends are getting married next year and I'm best man, I feel so behind them in my journey in life, which isn't necessarily bad because there is so much I still want to do before I'm in that position but at the same time, I want to share with someone what they have because it seems so special.

On top of this I'm being harassed on a nearly daily basis, probably more like every other day, for reasons I'm not entirely sure. I've tried taking the higher ground and leaving things, I've made it clear I don't want to talk to her and it's obvious we won't be friends, I don't want friends like her and nor do I need them. But I persistently try to ignore her calling and texts. Ignoring is hard for me, I like to give people a chance, I find it hard to not see a goodness in people which will overwrite any badness and ill feeling I have to them, but with her it's different, I got played around and generally treated like dirt, with hassle and drama which isn't what I wanted. So for her then to want me to talk to her, I think I'm doing an all right thing by ignoring it and thinking about number 1 for a change right? Furthermore she has something of mine, she promised she'd give back no matter how ugly things went, God knows why I left it at hers. I've resided to the fact I'll probably never get it back.